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Some of my favorite billboards.

April 30 is National Honesty Day. (Politicians exempt)

April 30, 1006: Brightest supernova in recorded history is observed.

April 30, 1789: George Washington inaugurated as 1st President of US.

Shamelessly ripped from "FOXNews.com" [link] which shamelessly ripped it from AP (AssPress)
"OAKLAND, Calif. — Bay Area residents began potentially their worst commute in almost two decades Monday, a day after one of the region's most traveled sections of freeway melted and collapsed following a fiery crash.

An elevated section of highway that carries motorists from the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge to a number of freeways was
destroyed early Sunday after heat from an overturned gasoline truck caused part of one overpass to crumple onto another.

Heat exceeded 2,750 degrees and caused the steel beams holding up the interchange above to buckle. Bolts holding the structure together also melted, leading to the collapse, California Department of Transportation director Will Kempton said."

Ok, this is just way too easy. It's almost like stealing candy from the 9/11 Truthers (Liars) who screech and whine that "steel doesn't melt". O'Rosie.........are you paying attention? (stupid question) Not that any of this will matter to the delusional tin foil hat crowd, but since I work for a steel fabricator, I can walk out to the shop area everyday and watch steel being melted in one form or another, either by a cutting torch, a welding machine or the robotic cutting table. Yes, Virginia, steel really, really does melt! It really, really does!!! Honest!!! When steel is subjected to extremely high temperatures (think jet fuel, gasoline, a mixture of oxygen and acetylene), it weakens and will melt . I've seen it with my very own, beady little eyes! It's something to behold, I tell ya!




MEGA MORON AWARDS

Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's video camera, while the camera was remotely
recording. (That is, the videotape recorder was located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the
camera).

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store
window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a
positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, Officer..that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Ann Arbor:The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50am,
flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food
order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup
truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

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From the 'net:

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

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THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack Daniels with an Ensure chaser

AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to color my hair
48 Need to have Francois color my hair
66 Need to have Francois color my wig

AGE FAVORITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"

AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day and Kiss-Your-Mate Day.

April 28, 1770: Captain James Cook in Endeavor lands at Botany Bay in Australia.

April 28, 1914: W H Carrier patents air conditioner.

Shamelessly ripped from "The Sun Online" [link]
"BARMY (mad, crazy, insane) Euro MPs are demanding new laws to stop cows and sheep PARPING (farting).

Their call came after the UN (Useless Nitwits) said livestock emissions were a bigger threat to the planet than transport.

The MEPs have asked the European Commission to “look again at the livestock question in direct connection with global warming”.

The official EU declaration demands changes to animals’ diets, to capture gas emissions and recycle manure.

They warned: “The livestock sector presents the greatest threat to the planet.” The proposal will be looked at by the 27 member states.

The UN (Useless Nitwits) says livestock farming generates 18 per cent of greenhouse gases while transport accounts for 14 per cent.

Ok, here's a news flash for the nabobs of lunacy, otherwise known as the UN (Useless Nitwits):
Cows have been farting since they first evolved into the bovine species. They will continue to fart until they are all killed and made extinct or a new occupation is created called the "Plug and Mallet Engineers". However, that produces a direct conflict with PETA (who kills animals) because the first time some engineer with a hard hat on attempts to plug the offending orifice with said mallet, there will be hell to pay. I can see the protest signs already: "EAT MOR CHICKIN!" No wait, that one is for a different protest group.

Here's another flash for the UN (Useless Nitwits): it's very obvious that this bunch of bungling, inept and retarded deadbeats have
never heard of the taiga forest. It is the largest stretch of coniferous forest in the world, circling the earth in the Northern Hemisphere, and according to Planet Earth, televised on the Discovery Channel, it cleanses the air of the ENTIRE planet EVERY DAY. Of course, this valuable information means absolutely nothing to the UN (Useless Nitwits) because they are entirely too busy and much too important to be bothered with anything as mundane as RESEARCH. So, here's an idea for the UN (Useless Nitwits): how about you stop with the bullshit (pun intended) and do something worthwhile like, stop the frigging slaughter in Darfur or feed the starving humans in those other Godforsaken third world countries? That goes for the EU lunatics, too.


Fathers then & now

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today, but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
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In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his SUV.
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In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
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In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
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In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
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In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the DVD burner.
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In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
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In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
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In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
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In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, pizza in fridge."
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In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
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In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted XBox!"
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In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
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In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
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In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
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In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
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In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
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In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
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In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
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In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that nose ring?"
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In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
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In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2007, fathers are never truly appreciated.

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Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.


You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell @ PRISON
You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle @ WORK

You get three meals a day fully paid for @ PRISON
You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it @ WORK

You get time off for good behavior @ PRISON
You get more work for good behavior @ WORK

The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you @ PRISON
You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself @ WORK

You can watch TV and play games @ PRISON
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games @ WORK

You get your own toilet @ PRISON
You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat @ WORK

They allow your family and friends to visit @ PRISON
You aren't even supposed to speak to your family @ WORK

All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required @ PRISON
You get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners, and welfare @ WORK

You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out @ PRISON
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars @ WORK

You must deal with sadistic wardens @ PRISON
They are called managers @ WORK

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!!!

April 27 is Tell A Story Day

April 27, 1867: The opera "Roméo et Juliette" is produced (Paris, France).

April 27, 1931: 100º F (38º C), Pahala, Hawaii (state record). Must've been that eeeeeeevil global worming.


An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
said, '"Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

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I'm so old, I can cough, laugh, sneeze and pee all at the same time.

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Senior Citizens Are Valuable

We are more valuable than any of the younger generations:

We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and ....
We are loaded with natural gas.

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Famous last words: "Hey, watch this!!"
[link]

Yes, Virginia, there really is more, "Hey, watch this!!" stuff.
[link]

With the advent of June weddings, here's a nuptial toast to them all. mheh.
[link]

BOO!
[link]

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You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at
school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you
pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

April 23 is Read Me Day and World Laboratory Animal Day. oy vey

April 23, 1851 Canada issues its 1st postage stamps.

April 23, 1945 Concentration camp Flossenburg liberated.

Shamelessly ripped from the Seattle Times:

"American commanders cite al-Qaida's severe brand of Islam, which is so extreme that in Baqouba, al-Qaida has warned street
vendors not to place tomatoes beside cucumbers because the vegetables are different genders, Col. David Sutherland said."

I have to assume by this latest lunacy that female vegetables will soon be clothed in a burqua. I guess that's ok for a veggie that has "eyes", like a potatoe but what about those poor, sightless veggies like, like......squash! Oh, the humanity! If I were a squash,
I'd be screaming "discrimination of the sightless"!!

Would somebody PLEASE tell me where the genitalia are on friggin' fruits/vegetables? I mean, the next time I'm peeling the skin off of a cucumber, I'd need that information so that I could be more careful around the "sensitive" areas. Just sayin'.



There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Cris--co!"

Finally a store clerk approached.

"Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?"

"Lard ass."

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Mom's Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Johnny "no, no."

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Johnny and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Johnny again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the damn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to the nice policeman that you didn't know Johnny had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Johnny in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven.

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The bell curve of life

At age 4, success is... not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is... having friends.
At age 16, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is... having sex.
At age 35, success is... having money.
At age 50, success is... having money.
At age 60, success is... having sex.
At age 70, success is... having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is... having friends.
At age 80, success is... not peeing in your pants.

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